The Untitled

Oh, Hi, I’ am writing all this offline, while on my little coffee table, sitting on my sweet mat, in my room, my private little cottage, I would say so.
The bad news just came into my ears last night. The very moment, hardest moment in the years, my little, tiny, petite reaction is screaming “Ahhh…” inside friend’s car.
But now, I remind of it, I think of myself, wasn’t it in my suspection or wat? I could have hit it a Bingo, am I not? Oh yes, I’m! I’ve been allowing the very thoughts of it spinning, bombarding inside me, affecting my mind, my mood for weeks, for days, for nights, for hours, minutes and, of course, in every seconds. And now, all proved it right. *Sigh*
Well, is it worth happy for? Is it worth celebrated ‘cause I’m a bit smarter, brilliant? No, not at all. I do not actually want to do so.
Oh, I took a deep breathe. It’s so hard for me. It was. And, perhaps, it is not, I guess.
Should I sing to you,
“What can I do to make you love me…?”
Or…
Sorry, girl. I do not know. I’m sorry for you. For all these days, you just make me thinking, complaining to God, asking
“Why, why, why…??”
Yeah, that’s right. Why God’s will is putting me in such dilemma.
Who don’t want a smooth path to go on? Will someone asking, wanting a rough passage?
No, huh?
But life is always miserable, unpredictable, not that fun. And of course, life is a no-take-two game. Life will never have a turning back. No U-turn for you as if you are driving your 4-wheels on the PLUS thing. You know.
I remembered what a friend of mine once told me last month, when I was so don’t-know-what-to-do. It made me ponder on it today, while I was alone, watching Jennifer Anniston’s ‘The Break-Up’, hanging around the mall.
Honestly, I want to thank God for sparkling a words in my thoughts at the very one-person time. Actually, I was almost, just almost, I would be spending my time, singing Karaoke in Red-Box. It seems that the movie, did do something on me.
“I can see clearly now the rain is gone, I can see a lot obstacles in my way…” there it goes, what Bob Marley is singing now.
“I know I’ll never love this way again…hold on, hold on, hold on...I know I’ll never love this way again…”Dionne Warwick knew it.
After Adam and Eve incident, the creations sinned against God. Well, I’m part of the generation. I know I’ve done a lot of bad things. But I knew inside my heart, never let the feeling of hatred invade my heart, my mind, and yet, my soul.
It’s within me, within my ability to twist the consequence. What I mean is that I can choose not to hate someone, not to curse, neither being silly, irrational, immature, nor hating.
I hope I would never experience such thing again in the rest of my life. I just said I hope.
Lord, give me the courage. The strength. Make me humble and be peaceful. With kindness and love, joy, gentle. Lord, it’s so hard for me, it’s so, so, so, so hard and seems impossible for me. God knows His children well. God understands me. Give me hints that everything would be fine soon. Tell me that the cloudy days will soon leave me.
My heart yelling in pain, it seems like being stabbed by a knife.
What would it be nice if I never had taken the path?
What would it be nice if I never had made the choice?
What would it be nice if…
“What would it be nice if…” the Cadbury Chocolate advertisement sings.
Did God forget to bless me friends with loyalty, faithful to me?
Did God forget to bless me with the insight? So that I could scan everyone’s mind before I could be friend with them.
Am I playing fair? I don’t believe in fair thing. Nothing is made to be fair. I don’t blame the rules.
I don’t have any authority on any person. Well, perhaps you master the authority, grab that in your pocket, when only you turn the person on. I think so.
Yea, I don’t have the right to stop someone to do something, or twist a person’s thoughts. That’s why.
Blessings, that’s all I can figure out in these two days. I’m not sure how well I’ll be doing this task. But I guess, avoiding is a solution, a step-stone too.
Avoiding, some heartbreaking moments, with few drops of silent, invisible tears (or visible as well), un-speakable speeches… These are so far, my prediction. Base on my 18 years of understandings for myself.
I am tired now, I’m fatigue and exhausted. My soul has drowned off.
Sleep can’t help. God knows.
What I want now is a cup of warm Earl Grey to calm my nerves, or a glass of chill Coca-cola to make me indulge. I’m thirsty actually.
I hate the feeling of betrayal. I hate the feeling of being cheated by someone who is trusted by you, unlimited, and will turn away from you unexpectedly. I hate it. I hope no more in my life. It has been 3 times in my past. It seems like drowning into the sea when someone that should say something at a time and the person just never open his/her mouth. The parable is that a person is holding a floater in hands on shore and never throw it to you, and just standing there, watching your head bobbing up and down, and finally look how you sink yourself into the deep blue sea. You have the person in mind even when you are drowning, swallowed by the earth core.
I’m not as sweetheart as someone is. My smile can’t turn rainy day into a shiny day. My body is not as fit as you expected and my voice is not as nice as angels’ singing. My academic is not as good as those people with a dozen of A. I don’t have a family background which other people admired at. I don’t walk, eat, drink, sleep or talk like someone else is. Without the so-called ‘personality.’ And I don’t own a fabulous wardrobe which make me look fantastic everyday and etc. Although I’m so lack of those mentioned before, but I believe that me, somehow still worth a man to appreciate and treasure me. I deserve a man to love me whole heartedly. It is part of the movie I just watched at day. A girl need a boy/man’s love, care, and companions and etc. and vice versa.
I think I will still hold on to this belief till some times. I’m ok with it. I worth loving, right? Am I not?
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