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Long time never talk on phone for such a long hour. I thought long-distance calling by phone is going to be disappear on the surface of the earth soon since the advancement of Internet service.

Days before, I found out that I was too emotional. I let the emotional and irrational thinking take place which kind of mess the whole thing out. I am not good, in person at all. Irrationality couldn't solve problems but yet it gives me a lot of worries now. I thought I was success in controlling myself. When crisis happens, catecholamine overrides my head. The adrenal gland is stimulated, overstimulated. I thought I was cool and calm. Even when someone seeking for treatment in O&G clinic, telling about their condition after SI, expressing dyspareunia, I maintained the same expression-cool, was reacting very professionally while standing beside doctor. I thought that's improvement. And now, I realise that the past has not make me learn enough. I have more to discover, realise and LEARN. Things that not yet learn up, it would be possibly for the occurence of repeating the same mistakes. Just to make sure we learn up and transform into a better individual.

Well, it's my random posting. Feel like blogging and blah out whatever stick in mind. I need to clear up some space in my brain so that I can use those spare space to install my academic inputs. This is for me to rationalise the emotion, or justify my behaviours ?! Even this simple thing, I am in doubt.

I heard that I have changed a lot. Those comments are from people that doesn't with me throughout the transition. When people tell that "you have changed", directly you will catch it, you will understand is it a positive or a negative one, for THEM. In my case, i sense that's a negative one.

How should I not feel sad and disappointed? It's an unfair statement.

I have been facing new life, new challenges with a group of new people in my life. They, don't know much about me, the behindtheiceberg part. If I could, I want to open a story-telling theathre. It's gonna be like a Broadway show. I want to be proud of myself. As long as I don't do stupid thing, I am proud of myself.

Because all this while, I met with rejection, hatred, jealousy, ego, silly, misunderstanding, collapses, abyss, mountains and traps...... All these, defining moments refine me and define who I am now. Maybe this sounds a bit nauseous to some of you, but nevermind. That simply mean I am not yet ready, not yet done. A rock need to be refined and moulded before the diamond glares with its value; a piece of canvass need to be painted and painted before it is known as a masterpiece of her creator.