CECILIA-nosis

I feel like want to talk about something more private, more personal and individualised. Something a little bit deeper within, expressive, and sentimental.
I would like to talk about CECILIA.
I was hurt when “YOU” said that I’m not expressive, always keep things to myself. I just didn’t feel good.
I didn’t want to violate my principles. ‘cause in my mindset, in my experiences and learning, I knew that no one can actually ever reach up to my deepest part. Although I have had tried to open up my heart for a few time, but I ended up getting hurt-Heart with a throbbing pain. it's kind of like a self-defence by the unconscious mind, perhaps.
About Cecilia.
I don’t know where to start. Take away the God-ly elements first. I’m not a simple person as you think. But I think I’m not that complicated as I, myself think. Sophisticated??It’s bias. No scale to measure. No scope to see.
Talk about the ‘feelings’ part, I don’t have good feeling to everyone I first met. Like all Asians. Anti-people. Defend for self. The GOOD feelings need time and sincerity to develop. I’m not a good social-iser! I’m not the people-people type, but I think I can be one if I want to. But that’s what people call ‘3-8’! ‘SAM-PAT POH’
I don’t have much confidence. My confidence comes from my style. A style which I think it could works me out the way I want, a style which I think is correct.
I’m afraid of L-O-S-E. In a conclusion, I’m proud ‘lah’…
I’m afraid of being lonely, in some time. I always hope that I have someone to go to when I need to be reached up, or overwhelming with the pathetic lonesome…but of all, I still remember that how I was abandoned by friends, how I was disappointed by what-used-to-call-true-friendship. In my time of sadness and disappointment, I learnt not to lean on people, but rely on God, acknowledge Him in everything I do. Perhaps, right now, I do not know how I’m going to do. What is true friends in human form? And what is God’s role as another ‘form’ of true best friend?
CECILIA-in Hebrews, it means ‘blindness.’ I knew this for years and I didn’t want to change it ‘cause it was given by my family. And I prayed that I will not be as ‘blind’ as my name, that I will not carry the meaning along my life.
I don’t know how to lead. But I’m being a President right now. In times, I am always doubt, query. I don’t know how to take the lead. Of course, the ‘don’t-want-to-lose-face’ part slips in here….

I think I’m bad lah. Worthless. But
funny that got people said they appreciate me, values me. Maybe they just sweet
talk or just cakap-saje, to make me happy. Whatever. Haih… I’m so worthless
within and yet Bible said Jesus loves me pulak…

Did Jesus ever regret to redeem me huh? When I did something bad, when I’m doing something which finds no favor in God, did God ever turn away from me?